A More Personal Story: Ripping It Up

Hey, everyone. This blog started out as just a place to share my time volunteering in Beijing in general--my thoughts and experiences while there. I didn't expect that much would come of it; maybe it would just be a nice way to keep folks back home informed of what I was up to.

Then some things happened that shook me up, namely that I started really questioning what value I was bringing to the world, what I would be doing with my life, what I was doing with my life now. Actually, that kind of internal questioning has been going on for a while... the last five months, and then some, as in for the last three years.

Depression and Self-worth
I grew extremely depressed during middle-school, and it's stayed with me even now, when I'm in my early 20's. Although I am doing better now in terms of coping, I still often struggle with it.

Along with my depression came questioning of my own self-worth as a person--to the point where recently, I wondered what good I was if I didn't have an income (which I don't), or was contributing to society in a meaningful way (which I don't feel I am).

Something Must Change
When I realized I felt that I wasn't worth anything good if I wasn't working and financially independent from my parents, I knew something had to change. Because I believe that everyone is worthy as a person, no matter if they're a multi-billionaire or homeless on the streets. We all  have our own stories that have made us who we are and who we will become. But what good is that belief if I can't apply it to myself?

...Even if that Change is Slow in Coming
That's not to say that I've miraculously gained amazing self-confidence and can honestly say I love myself whole-heartedly. Because that would be a lie. After realizing how deep my lack of self-worth truly runs, I feel broken open. It's a revelation for me, because I thought I was doing pretty well. I laugh with my family, I joke with my friends. I've been called witty and a good-humored person. But now I see that it's all been an act--an all-too-successful one, as I managed to fool even myself into thinking that I was okay.

I want to change. I want to become a person who feels that she's worthy of happiness and love, and furthermore who's willing to go out and look for it around her.

I read a lot of blogs about self-development and entrepreneurship, both subjects that fascinate me. But I've realized that I haven't once, in three years of reading them, applied their advice, tips and tricks to my life. What good is all the knowledge in the world if I'm too scared of potential disasters--and even potential success--to apply it?

I want to be Happy
I believe that's not such a selfish end to seek. As a struggling Christian, I want to reach Heaven and see God's face, hear Him tell me, "You did good." As a person, I want to be able to put genuine smiles on other people's faces. And as me, just myself, I want to love and accept myself for who I am, cracks and bruises and all, a work in progress. I want to not hate myself. I want to change the voice in my head that's constantly playing, like a terrible, brainwashing broken record: "You suck. Everyone hates you. What good are you?"

And I don't just want to keep it to myself. I want to be able to contribute to the world in a meaningful way--I want to be remembered for positive contributions, not forgotten immediately and remembered regretfully in passing as, for example, a girl with a lot of potential but no guts or good deeds to back it up.

I'm tired of acting happy and put-together all the time. I'm tired of being afraid of what people will think of me when I say, "I have depression," or "I feel like I've been set-back life-wise today,"--because honestly, if they're not willing to even try to see past my surface faults to the real, live, flesh-and-blood-and-heart-and-soul person that is ME, they're part of the problem I'm facing, not part of the healing process.

This blog is probably going to be less about volunteering and take a turn towards the real me... what I'm feeling, the good and the bad. How I'm coping with it (or not). My hopes, and what I'm doing to work towards making them a reality, even if it's in baby-step increments.

Because I'm tired of lying in the dirt and allowing myself to beat myself down.

I'm scared, quite honestly. I'm scared of hitting the "publish" button for this post. I'm scared that I will fail at becoming someone others can rely on and trust and love.

But I also know that I'm close to breaking. That if I don't say this now, I might never say it at all, and continue living out a pleasing (to others) masquerade.

I'm going to try.

I won't have all the answers right away.

I will have days I want to give up.

I will have days when I feel on top of the world.

And I will be learning about how to help myself grow as a person... and hopefully be able to help others as a result of that learning.

One Step at a Time

In case you're wondering about how volunteer work is going for me, well... I'll admit that I've kind of gotten into a slump. It's gotten a bit better as I'm more motivated to do things of my own, and that motivation has overflown a bit into my volunteer work as well. But I'm honestly not doing the level of work that I'd like to. I don't feel like I'm contributing that much to my sister or LFP.

My strategy last time was to let the depression and guilt consume me and basically hermit myself away in my room, only coming out to eat and use the restroom, pretty much. This time, I know what I have to do to not fall into that same rut again. So far it's working, at least a little.

I'm hanging out with my family more often, even if I don't feel like it initially. Being around them does cheer me up and break me out of that "fog".

I'm doing some work every day, even if it's not as much as I'd like. As long as I get around to doing anything at all in that respect, that's what matters right now to me. Not giving in.

My niece's and nephew's birthdays are coming up soon, so I'm also preparing their birthday presents. Well, for my niece, anyway; my nephew's present is already taken care of.

I've also been playing some guitar, and I can tell that I've improved a little, which does help my self-esteem/mood.

I haven't been going out to see the babies in the baby home as often, which is another blow to my so-called volunteer work. When I do, though, I am always amazed and it warms my heart to see what Serena and Brent have worked so hard to build. The children are so loved and happy and well cared for... it's something that you really have to see to get the full effect of, I think. When I see that, when I hold a baby and know that they wouldn't get this kind of love or care were it not for people like Brent and Serena, it bolsters my resolve to help, to do something to contribute to LFP's mission.

Then I go home and fall back into my slump. Or so it seems.

For right now, I don't have the answer to what's going on with me. I don't have the knowledge of a miracle cure, and frankly I'm not sure if there is one. All I know at the moment is that continuing to move forward, putting one foot in front of the other step by step, is better than sitting there too paralyzed to move an inch.

Owning my Anxiety: A Small Victory

Stijlfoto on Flickr, via Creative Commons license.

Today I just wanted to share a little about a recent experience of mine. You might have read my earlier post about my depression; anxiety is also something that I struggle with, and have been struggling with since I was a teenager.

I approached a woman a few months ago about helping her with a project that she'd already been doing that really spoke to my heart. At first, I was raring to go, truly excited and on fire for the potential the project had.

Then I got anxious about a task of mine that I had taken upon myself to do. It was a small task, but for some reason it loomed larger and larger in my mind until it wasn't a simple task, it was a burden.

And I let that anxious feeling get the best of me.

Basically, I dropped off this woman's radar for a couple of months. I thought about that project, worried about it, hemmed and hawed over it.

Finally, I just got tired of being so anxious. I thought, "This anxiety is unreasonable, and I know it. And holding on to it is so not worth what it would feel like if I just at least tried to do this task that is, after all, not that scary in reality."

So I didn't let myself think about it anymore. Because I have a tendency to overthink everything, as was true in this case. I just opened the file I was supposed to look at. And I got to work.

It felt great.

I was focused, I had a purpose. Not 5 minutes into the task, I wondered why I had been so scared of tackling it in the first place. I finished it in about an hour, and then I e-mailed the woman I had been working with.

In that e-mail, I owned my anxiety.

Not that it was easy. It was not. I felt shame and remorse not only about leaving the woman hanging for so long, but also about my anxiety and depression. But I decided to 'fess up anyway. I did not make any excuses. I did not try to sugar-coat things... basically, I did my best to apologize sincerely.

And I told her the truth.

I just sent that e-mail, but already I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I realize that I'd been hanging on to my anxiety, in a way. I had become complacent with my anxiety, feeling that it was better to know this constant burden rather than strive into unknown territory to try and right it.

I'm not saying that now I know how it will be next time and I can definitely overcome the anxiety when it strikes next. Because I've lived with this long enough to know that such things are not at all a guarantee when it comes to this.

Still, now I have this feeling of renewal from being truthful and honoring the disservice I did to the woman in dropping off her radar without an explanation.

No matter how it turns out now, I know I did my best and I was sincere.

What about you? I'd love to hear about a recent victory of yours, however small or large.

A Depressed Volunteer Abroad: My Story

Okay, so today is a day to be honest: my last time volunteering in China wasn't all bouncing babies on my knee while laughing amongst rainbows and flowers. I got hit with depression big time, which I strongly suspect was connected to my having gone on birth control to help regulate my hormones (obviously if that's true, that didn't work).

I was able to learn the basics of what I needed to help out somewhat in my volunteer duties...  but the last 3-4 months of the entire year were the hardest, and I basically just holed myself away in my room, only coming out to eat and use the bathroom. I was miserable, sometimes crying, not understanding why I felt this way and why I was so anxious about doing any kind of work or interaction with others.

I got home and quit the birth control around the same time (I stayed on my medication that I already took for depression, though, which I've been diagnosed with since I was a teenager). My mood/motivation improved gradually over the following months. I noticed, my parents (whom I live with) noticed. My sister and brother-in-law, meanwhile, really needed help with the nonprofit, and for some reason they asked my parents how I was doing, and the response was positive.

So they asked me to come back and help them. I was so excited, and also just really happy... I had been feeling like a complete and utter failure up until then. I still do, in a way; an experience and mindset like that doesn't go away overnight.

I won't lie, I'm nervous about the possibility of that happening again once I go back. But on the other hand, I feel like this time will be different. I feel like I've learned from what happened before, and come back stronger and better prepared about what to do should that happen again.

I'm sharing this because I feel it needs to be shared. My hope is for others who may have experienced something similar to read it and know that they are not alone.

What has been a learning experience for you? It can be as big or small as you're comfortable sharing.